She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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