I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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