from now on my penis is your penis
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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