We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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