i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
