the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
