In the future we'll all be gay
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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