i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
