Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
