My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
