I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
