i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
