my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
