woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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