I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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