I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
