I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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