We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
