I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
