I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
did i walk over a car last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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