I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
