I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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