He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
