I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
