Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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