I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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