When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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