The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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