I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
