i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
