sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
