I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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