OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
