And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
