Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Small penises have feelings too.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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