I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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