Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My balls are so social today.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
