Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
