As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
