She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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