I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
