Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
