Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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