Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
4 words: hood of his car
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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