did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
