Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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