Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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