life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
