I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
