I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
