Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
