Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
