This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
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so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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