Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
