the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
