i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
