The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
