I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
