Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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