Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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