I wish life had little blips of pornography
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
